Not a waste

One thing I struggled with initially upon learning of Hudson's passing, was the feeling of being used by God, and that those eight months of carrying my son were a waste.

Though my pregnancies are nothing to complain about compared to some, there are still multitudes of sacrifices. 

Those first three months of sickness, utter exhaustion, and the emotional ups and downs make anything extra in life seem overwhelming. 

The second trimester's joys of feeling the baby move, coupled with a greater awkwardness, stretching, growing, and learning to accept the multitude of bodily changes that you have no control over - not all of them completely desirable! 

Then that third trimester of returning exhaustion, the inability to bend over without great effort, the perpetual waddle, the back pain, the swelling, the carpal tunnel, the sleepless nights, the bathroom stops every 10 minutes, and the impossibility of doing much of anything without great huffing and puffing...

It all takes a toll. It takes a toll on me, on my daughter, and on Joel. We all have to learn to give "me" up in a multitude of ways....

And then there's the feelings of joys wasted. Joy brings anticipation, that anticipation births dreams, and when those dreams root and plant itself so deeply into our hearts, having it ripped away feels like a partial death.

How much easier it would be if we had never hoped. Never dreamed. Never planned. Never loved.

If there was no love involved, there would be no pain in saying goodbye.

If there were no dreams nurtured, it wouldn't hurt so much to go and visit that flower-laden mound of dirt just a mile outside of town.

If there was no hope of another little person gracing our household, that empty corner in our room where a crib should have stood with a new little boy in it right now would not taunt us with it's painful absence every night.

As hard as it has been for me to accept at times, I am learning to rest in the truth that Hudson's short 8-month life was part of God's plan, and that somehow, none of His plans are a waste.

This truth hit me in a new way the other day as I was reading Psalm 139 - providentially placed by God in the middle of my daily Bible reading plan.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb...My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." (Excerpts of vs. 13-16 ESV)

Here again is where truth makes it's stand against my fluctuating emotions. Before Hudson was conceived, God's purposes for his life were numbered, planned, and written out. Though my heart at times questions the "why" of those hopes being ripped away from us, I cannot deny the truth of God's word, and call those eight months a waste.

I think only eternity will reveal God's entire purpose for those precious months I got to carry my son close to my heart. It's then we'll understand fully that there is another soul there that would not have been had we not loved and sacrificed. We'll see with our eyes the full purpose God had for his short little life. While much of that purpose is still veiled to my heart, God's word declares emphatically that there is no waste in His plans, and in that promise I'm choosing to place my faith. 

1 comments:

  1. thank-you for sharing Andrea. this was just what i needed to read today. sometimes even though one feels like if God cared I wouldnt be going thru this excruciating time...etc.. but then is when you gota cling to the truth n I love how you used the words, it's not a waste in His plans. thanks for the reminder!

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