Writing again


How does one start writing again after nearly nine months of silence? To sort out and remember the pieces of life and try to shove them into one comprehensible post? I don't know if it's entirely possible, but what I do know is that over the past few months, my need and desire for writing has been returning. How long-term it is, only time will tell... Consider this a semi-resurrection of a very comatose blog.

There are seasons in life. The last several months has been a season of busyness with a very active, now almost two-year old. A little girl who's naps are shorter, and who doesn't very much like the idea of me sitting at the computer while she is awake. Couple that with a mommy that needed a lot more rest with pregnancy #2, and spare time was at a premium.

Consequently, a lot of computer stuff, most notably writing and photo editing was put on the back-burner. My camera sat sadly un-used the majority of this past loooong, COLD Manitoba winter, and gaps of a month or more mark my paper journal. I won't even mention snail-mail communication with people I use to write literal books to.... 

But now, the season is changing again. The days are warm and that previously mentioned little girl is enjoying her freedom to run and play outside, and is finding satisfaction in a bit more independent play. Subsequently, I'm finding myself with a bit more time to sit and pull out my pen. The busy work season is also starting up for Joel which leaves me with more quiet evenings to myself. That time lends itself well to writing after Leana has gone to bed for the night. 

The last weeks have held unprecedented paper journaling, and I'm once again finding the release and satisfaction of communicating my thoughts and feelings. Some of that, Lord willing, is going to transfer itself here. How much, though, yet remains to be seen. 

Sadly, it's often the hardest seasons in my life that bring out the most written communication. Maybe because it's my best way of coping with inner turmoil outside of talking with a few select, intimate friends. Even in that rare verbal communication, though, I often stumble for words. Paper is patient. A lot more than I am with myself when trying to explain my thoughts to someone.

Then begs the question to myself - how much do I put out here for the whole wide world to read? Do I turn this into a private blog for my own sense of security and fear of vulnerability? How much, especially at this season of changes and pain in our lives do I open the door to my heart and give people a little glimpse in?

All those questions aren't answered yet in my mind, but I know I'll find a place here to reply to that question "how are you doing" a whole lot better than I can in person right now. When words fail, and tears choke my voice, I find myself running to my pen, and trying to figure out myself where I'm at in this journey of life.

Perhaps our story of late will gradually unfold itself. Right now things are still too fresh and raw. A stillbirth is not something you get over quickly, or ever get over at all. But, I'm realizing that it's a journey that far more than I previously knew about have traveled before me, and by God's grace, I'm acknowledging and accepting that it's the path He's chosen for us to walk. It's one I never in a million years would have chosen for ourselves, but amidst the sometimes seemingly unbearable pain, there is a bittersweetness in seeing what God is doing through it. That is what I pray will eventually transfer itself here... Till next time.... 

Photo credit: Jennifer Tower Photography


3 comments:

  1. Andrea, it's good to see you "back." How my heart aches for you and your family during your grief. May the only One Who can really understand those deepest heart pains comfort you and carry you, under the precious shadow of His wings.
    "Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast." (Psalms 57:1)
    "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." (II Corinthians 4:17-18)
    Please do share as the Lord comforts you - how gently He guides and teaches us lessons during our hardest trials!

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  2. May God bless you and your family during this incredible hard time.
    Speaking from standing beside my sister as they are going thru this same thing, only she lost hers at 23 weeks, it is always so helpful when she can write on her blog and tell us how she is feeling. It is a safe place and she can write and cry and we can read and cry. You can read her story at gravelroadmusings.blogspot.com. May you find that place of writing that is good for you and those who love you all. Again God bless you abundantly. -Dorothy Mullet

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  3. So glad that you find journaling/writing a help. It has often been a blessing to me ... Journals have a way of helping make sense of things, and finding myself and God in the hardest times. Bless you as you find your way through this wilderness time... And God's presence be so real to you in the midst of the grief...

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