A Peek Into My Journey

This morning, I watched a video clip created by a family that lost their unborn 31-week old son to a genetic defect. Probably not a smart thing to do at this season in my life.

I'll admit, tears streamed down my face, and for a moment, my soul cried out "no" to God. Anything but that. Then the truth of what I was saying hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't want suffering.

I don't want heartache. 

I don't want loss to touch my life, especially when it concerns those I love most. 

I want to be in control and keep my life in a neat, happy, comfortable little package. 

I fear brokeness, and I fear the path that leads to it. 

At the same time, my heart craves Christlikeness, but says, "Lord, please don't bring it by taking my husband or children." 

Almost like an outsider looking in on my life, I can recognize what God is seeking to do in my heart. I know He's calling me to a deeper surrender, a greater faith, and a clinging and dependence on Him unlike anything I've been forced to do before. This call to lay my daughter unreservedly in the hands of my Heavenly Father, acknowledging that HE has the right to do with her whatever He chooses is going to be a journey for me.

I'm not going to pretend I'm some super spiritual wife and mom and say I'm there yet. But, by God's grace, I'm willing to be brought to that point. I'm willing for God to create in me that heart of complete trust and surrender that I can't produce. I'm willing for Him to make me willing, and to gently lead me down this path He's calling me to.

Though I haven't arrived at that place yet, somehow, I have this assurance that my willingness is all that really matters to Him now.


  1. Beautiful. God BLESS you... give you his peace and those "right in time" 'words' or encouragements to your heart right when you need them most. It's beautiful to read this and see what God's doing in your life... He's so awesomely faithful!


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